“I am changing” (no, alas not a rendition from Dream Girls, although I do like to rock out a song with my hairbrush) – this is all about ‘navigating change’ in our midlife.
Now this one feels like a toughie, doesn’t it? Are we even aware that change is afoot & how do we really feel about it?
Navigating midlife can come with its challenges. Namely:
-Looking after aging or poorly parents (a kind of role reversal, us children now ‘parenting our parents’)
-Children ‘flying the nest’ – moving out to be with a partner, leaving for university (or possibly a trigger for us too, in not having had or being able to have children)
-At a crossroads with our profession & career – what next? Needing to slow down? Career change – where do I start? (I was there too, an ex-corporate HR career)
-Where am I in this? What have been my roles to date? (Think Mum, partner, daughter, sister) A touch of imposter syndrome? identity crisis – who am I now? my identity is shifting – what’s my purpose & passion now for ME? Who do I now want to be? Or, as I call it your “shoes off self.”
Let us give ourselves permission to shake off our many different masks, that no longer serve us.
– Window on our relationships with our partner, family, siblings, parents. How do we (re) connect, communicate? How do we re-orientate ourselves & get the best from our relationships with our languages of love (think quality time, affirmations, acts of service, physical contact & giving & receiving gifts – see self-love languages blog: https://clarity-kent.co.uk/summer-lovin-happened-so-fast/). I loved this BBC article, worth a read: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-61653153 quite simply a “How are you today?” can go a long way.
-Feeling like you are fighting fires – practical & emotional, holding others up, caretaking, trying not to buy a ticket for the ‘circus’ (see my blog: https://clarity-kent.co.uk/mental-overload-regaining-clarity/) and staying away from dramas – be they concerned with actions or feelings?
-What’s going with this body of mine? No periods or less of them – yay or nay? weight gain (or loss), how do you feel about your midlife body image? How do you feel in your body as it changes for you, in midlife? Let’s love, honour & respect its changes rather than wanting to escape them, at a moment’s notice.
This time in our midlife can evoke a myriad of feelings & emotions – sadness (a case of grief & loss – yes that can show up big time), loneliness, frustration, irritation, anxiety, stress, lethargy, angry…you can fill in the (blankety) blanks…
There’s a lot going on for us in our midlife & with the ball juggling & multi-tasking (maybe more than we realise, when we press’ pause’ and stop), then potentially a rollercoaster of emotions come along precipitated by those pesky hormones. And then there is the potential tsunami of unresolved stuff from the past, which we may find is catching us up, in midlife.
I wonder if this resonates for you.
I’m there too, just turned 50 and wondering now, what’s around the corner – focus present & future (not the past). SO here are my thoughts, sent with loving kindness to you.
Well, it’s a time for opportunity, possibility & empowerment in our midlife. If you like, writing, your life script for your midlife or re-writing the narrative – I’ll pass you the pen. You’ve got this. It is all about perspective, mindset & putting yourself front & centre (for a few minutes at least). We can consciously shift ourselves from a place of scarcity to abundance, to be in flow, manifest & let go (of any values, beliefs that are self-limiting & coping strategies that no longer serve us). I could be talking body image, relationship with food, alcohol and/or exercise – you get my drift.
1.“It’s OK, not to be OK”. It’s OK to feel & normalise feelings, as they come up for us in midlife. It’s important to acknowledge & ‘befriend’ our emotions. To be curious, check in on them, talk them out & play detective in what they are sharing with us. I learnt about the ‘beach ball’ analogy recently, akin to trying to suppress our feelings & emotions. And you know what, if we try to submerge the beach ball under the water, guess what happens – water in face comes to mind!
2.A great technique ‘catch it, check it, change it’ being aware of our thoughts, feelings, behaviours & actions. What are the results for us personally & emotionally? Can we tweak for a different outcome? Doing what we’ve always done can keep us in a space of familiarity & safety, yet ironically can be frustrating & a case of self-sabotage at play too.
3.Ever heard of the circle of influence & control. Check it out here: https://medium.com/an-idea/circle-of-concern-vs-circle-of-control-e7cc15c644d3 to get you thinking and help take back your power from a place of worry & overwhelm. Discover your circle of control & influence. It helps us to stop taking responsibility for others’ actions, thoughts, feelings & behaviours. Always check in with yourself “what’s my stuff and what’s others?” I can give that back to support my own emotional welfare & self-care. Neighbours’ wheelie bins on your front garden? wheel them back!
4. Self-care: It’s not a ‘treat’ it’s a ‘non-negotiable’. However small, integrating it into your day is YOU showing yourself loving kindness & self-compassion. Afford yourself time to rest & recharge. Energy is all important in our midlife.
Choose your ‘own’ fix – movement, exercise (paddle boarding or cold-water swimming – anyone? Two on my bucket list (more on that later), nature, meditation, adrenalin activities (for the risk takers amongst us), 5 minutes in the morning, savouring your cup of coffee with your journal (and to “get out of your head”). Rest can come in many shapes & forms.
Give yourself permission. Your time for is NOW (not ‘later’ in a few years, mañana, possibly when…. yes, I’ve had those messages on repeat in my head too) What can you do, to activate your parasympathetic nervous system so you are not in fight, flight or freeze mode?
5.What’s on your bucket list? Sky dive, owning a pet, climbing a mountain, meeting Hugh Grant (now there’s a thought 😉)
6.Gratitude – rather than seeing our cup half empty, let us go for the half full measure – what are we grateful for, daily? An exercise I like to do, brings us into the present & can make us SMILE. ‘Can’ the shoulds – they keep us ‘stuck’- affirmations are great too, let us care for & speak fondly about ourselves. No one likes the bully aka the critical voice in our heads – let us dial down its chit chat & turn to our inner coach who can raise our energy, vibration & make us feel more confident & self-assured.
7.If you are an active ‘social-media-er’. Have a detox. As Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy”. Do you find yourself losing time, endlessly scrolling, comparing how you look to others? Others seemingly, having more fun than you? Turn off the ‘comparisonitis’ in your head.
8.And finally, I love a boundary. What can you say, “NO, to” (more often) and afford yourself (giving back to yourself) time & space. Some of my favourite phrases:’ I can’t do that , but I can help you find someone who can..’, ‘I can’t take on additional responsibility right now’, ‘I’m allowed to change my mind, ‘Thanks, but I’m not interested’
9. If you are becoming aware that the tsunami of unresolved stuff from the past, is tracking you in midlife, this is where therapy can support you. Allowing your thoughts, feelings & emotions to ‘hit the air’ and to take time to put down the heavy backpack of ‘stuff’, acknowledge, explore, process & heal from the past. This is where I can truly support you.
10. Or is empowerment is your thing? – thinking to the future – lifestyle, career, then midlife peri and/or menopause coaching could be the best fit for you. Together, we can navigate changes, together & plan for your future of possibilities & opportunities. Mindset is key.
Join me in October over on Facebook & Instagram (Clarity -Kent – counselling & @claritykent) for 18 lives, podcast, posts, pics focusing on the psychological impact of peri and/or menopause.
This year it’s all about ‘cognition & mood’. I am going to be talking – low mood, memory loss, poor concentration, stress, anxiety and more….
If you are local to me – Hildenborough & the surrounding area, and a presentation/workshop takes your fancy, look out for a poll coming soon. Happy to meet in person, as a group.
In the meantime, if you would like to speak on-line or interested in walk & talk therapy, please make contact through my get in touch tab on my website or if you’d rather f2f, find me @nizelsgcc, part of the Wellness Hub. I’d love to meet you.
Perimenopause Matters. Menopause Matters.
YOU MATTER (Hey, yes YOU)
Opportunities. Possibilities
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