Halfway through the year and this month, I bring you a post about having self-compassion. We all too often get hooked into the ‘inner critic’ having its way, yet when do we listen to our ‘inner coach’ and afford ourselves kindness and compassion?
Self-compassion is a practical approach to enhancing our mental health & wellbeing. Practicing self-compassion teaches us to handle the midlife challenges that wing their way towards us, with a gentler, more forgiving attitude toward ourselves.
There are 3 pillars of self-compassion – who knew!? As outlined by Dr Kristina Neff. By understanding and practicing these aspects of self-compassions you can be kinder to yourself, especially during the ups & downs of midlife. Here goes:
Self-kindness: Compassion starts with being gentle with yourself. Instead of getting upset or criticizing yourself, you’re supportive and caring. Imagine how you comfort a friend who is upset—self-kindness is doing that for yourself, from within.
- Common humanity: It’s important to remind yourself that we all make mistakes and have challenging times. It’s normal and part of being a human. When things are hard, knowing that everyone goes through difficult times can help you feel connected to others in your life, rather than feeling alone.
- Mindfulness: Being aware of your feelings without letting them overwhelm you helps you stay compassionate with yourself. It means recognizing your feelings whether they feel positive or negative, but not letting them control your actions. Mindfulness helps you respond to situations with a clear head.
And remembering too, self-compassion isn’t selfish. If you fill up your own cup, you’ll have enough to pur into others. So, no guilt tripping here. Self-compassion isn’t self-serving either. Give yourself time & space to be ‘human’. We are human ‘beings’ after all. It is about caring for yourself so that you can be better at caring for others too. Self-compassion isn’t part of an equation either equalling self-esteem. Self-esteem is often about this comparison thingy towards others. Not the most productive measure of self-worth. Self-compassion is about self-acceptance with all your strengths & weaknesses.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge the benefits of self-compassion:
- Improves your mental & emotional wellbeing
Who doesn’t want some of that!
When you are kind to yourself, you’re likely to feel happier and more content. Self-compassion can help reduce stress, anxiety, and sadness. It’s even been linked to improved outcomes for those with PTSD. Sometimes, we get so worked up that our mind goes into overdrive, I can absolutely vouch for that. Knowing how to calm that monkey mind of yours, can help improve your mental & emotional wellbeing & resilience.
- Developing a growth mindset
Self-compassion can help you see challenges & mistakes not as failures, but as opportunities to learn & grow. You start to think, “It’s okay I didn’t quite get that right. What can I learn from it?” This mindset can make you more open to new experiences and willing to try, even if there’s a chance you might not succeed right away.
- Benefits your physical health
Research has shown that a big dose of self-compassion can be good for that body of yours. It’s not proven why this is, but it could be because self-compassion can lead to healthier lifestyle choices like eating better, exercising more, and getting enough sleep. It’s about caring for your body because you value it, not because you’re trying to meet some external standard.
- Builds your resilience
Midlife can feel like a rollercoaster of ups & downs. Self-compassion can give you the emotional tools to handle tough times. When things don’t go as planned, you’re more likely to bounce back quicker. It’s about giving yourself the space and understanding to navigate life’s challenges.
- Enhances your relationships
When you practice self-compassion, you may develop a deeper understanding & patience for yourself, which can spill over into your relationship with others. You can become more empathetic & supportive, improving the quality of your interactions & connections.
And the key bit…5 ways to boost self-compassion:
- Practice mindfulness
Dr Kristina Neff highlights how mindfulness and the practice of being fully aware and present in the moment is essential for self-compassion. By being mindful, you notice your self-critical thoughts (your imposter/critical voice/Captain Caveman ????) and respond with kindness instead of judgment.
Pay attention to the present moment. Notice your thoughts and feelings without judging them. Simple activities like focusing on your breath or doing a body scan can help you cultivate awareness. You can access these via apps such as Headspace, Calm & Insight Timer.
- Recognise your common humanity
Everyone faces challenges and makes mistakes—it’s part of being human. When you feel isolated and disconnected (often how we can feel like in perimenopause), remind yourself that others have experienced similar feelings and setbacks. Awareness helps to ‘normalise’ your experiences & reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Reflect on a difficult moment for yourself & consider how others might have felt in similar situations. Zooming out and seeing your experience from a different perspective fosters a sense of connection & shared human experience. It makes it easier to extend the same kindness to yourself that you would offer to someone else going through the same thing.
Learn how to cultivate kindness for yourself and for others – find yourself a loving kindness mediation from the Headspace, Calm or Insight Timer apps
- Speak to yourself as you would to a friend of yours.
Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Use encouraging words & be understanding of your needs ‘in the moment’.
Ask yourself questions like, “How would I support a friend in this situation?” or “What supportive words would I offer to someone else that I can say to myself (right) now?” These questions can guide you to treat yourself with the same kindness you willingly and readily give to those around you.
Changing your inner voice narrative takes practice, but with time, you can move away from negative thoughts that aren’t serving you. The Daily Jay’s Shift Your Self-Talk may help you with this.
- Respond to challenges with compassion
Try changing how you respond to your own mistakes &setbacks. When things don’t go as planned, respond with understanding & kindness instead of being too hard on yourself. It’s about acknowledging that not everything will always go smoothly and perfectly—and frankly that’s okay ????
If you didn’t do well on a task (at work or at home or both, come to that), rather than criticising yourself, remind yourself that you did your best at the time with the resources available to you & that you can learn from the experience.
Here’s short meditation to help you do, just that: Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Compassion
- Practise self-soothing
Self-soothing is about comforting yourself in both a physical & emotional sense. It’s a way to show kindness & care for your own body and mind, especially during times of stress.
You practice self-soothing through gentle activities that make you feel relaxed—like taking a warm bath, listening to soothing music, or going for a gentle walk.
Self-soothing can also be compassionate self-touch, such as placing a hand over your heart or giving yourself a gentle hug. These can have a powerful calming effect, helping to reduce stress, promoting feelings of safety and comfort.
Take care of your body and mind. Ask yourself, “How can I support &comfort myself right now?” This can be through gentle movement, eating wholesome, nourishing food, getting enough rest (remember Sleep is our medicine in midlife), or even a comforting touch, like a hug or holding your own hand.
You can also try deep breathing exercise and/or to some gentle yoga to calm your body. These actions send a message of care & comfort to yourself.
If you are interested in menopause therapeutic coaching – 1-1, please get in touch so we can have ourselves a little intro chat.
